The Utterly Random Parody Story Thing
by Not Even Death Shall Stop Me
Summary: If you can be in any way offended by anything, you may or may not want to refrain from reading this. If you enjoy randomness, I will update
1. Chapter 1

(This fic was typed before a live studio audience. Every thing in this fic is true, and by true, I mean false. All characters are OC's, with a few exceptions towards chapter 3 and much later.)

Chapter One: Let's Start From the Top…

Damien Farrell stared out at the roaring crowd as his defeated opponent slid to the ground. His pokemon roared their approval as their master entered the hallowed Tetra hall of champions. As he entered the hallowed Hall of Champions, he happened to glance back as the Martians launched the full-scale invasion of Earth.

"Perfect. That's just perfect. The one time I manage to complete my lifelong dream, it turns out I'm still asleep! Perfect." Damien watched as the invasion force took over almost the entire world, only to find themselves outmatched by a four-year-old with a pointy stick. (Don't question this.) He then woke, extremely bored and confused, as always.

After breakfast, Damien proceeded to have another argument with his parents about him leaving home. "We still say you're too young!" "If you don't let me go, this fanfiction will have no content beyond the end of this paragraph!" "You make a valid point, which we shall now ignore. Hang on, does that mean we don't get paid?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." "In that case, you can go." "Kickass!"

Later that day, Damien waited by a sign for Jim, who was his best friend due to the fact that they were the only teenagers in the town, mainly because it had only four buildings. Does that even count as a town? Please submit your opinion. But I digress.

After a slightly unreasonable amount of time, which would have amounted to about three or four paragraphs, except that would have been boring, Jim arrived. "Dude, where were you? We had to cut out our backstories!" "Sorry, I was held up by a squirrel on laxatives." "Oh, sweet Jesus! Are you okay, dude?" "I just need to sit down…" replied Jim, and he promptly fainted.

After Jim recovered, the two boys set off for the next town. Damien produced a pokemon egg from his extremely heavy pack, which contained, among other things, a map, a bicycle, much, much pie, and $3000 that he found down the back of the couch. "Dude, where'd you get that egg?" "According to the author, it was a birthday present." "Ooops." "Yeah, you forgot it."

They stopped to set up camp in a conveniently placed stretch of open ground in the middle of the forest. Damien pulled a tent and a hammock from his bag. A few minutes later, Jim asked Damien something. "Can I ask you something?" "You just did, mate." "Hahahahaha. Why is your egg glowing?" "I dunno. Special effects?" "Cool."


	2. Chapter 2

(I need a reason to continue my stories, like more reviews. It tends to be one person the whole time. I'm not stupid, I know people are reading these.)

Ch. 2; I'm Bored, so I'll Write Another Chapter…

"God damn it, no-one's stopping." "I told you, you can't hitchhike to Eon City. It's just not possible." This conversation continued as Damien and Jim walked to the aforementioned Eon City. Only one person had stopped, and he had undoubtedly been a paedophile, as he was named Ken and had a tan. (He also had two small children bound and gagged in the back seat, but that was unimportant.)

"Sweet Jesus." Damien's eloquent comment was completely ignored by the middle-aged men flanking him. The two boys had just seen the town's sign. _"Eon City; only Belgium has more porn!"_ An awkward silence ensued. "………………Well, this is an awkward silence." "Well observed, Jim."

They continued to the town square, where Professor Spruce was giving a lecture on the 12 uses of Bagon's blood. "…and finally, as a mild anaesthetic. Now, those of you that are here just because I'm a woman can fuck off!" At this point, all but four people left, including Jim. "Well, that was disappointing. Now, you three can get your starter pokemon." When the three background characters left, Damien was left alone with Professor Spruce. (Not that kind of "alone"! You know what you were thinking! Perverts!)

"Hello, Professor. I'm Damien. The author sent me." "Pardon?" "I was wondering what kind of pokemon egg this was." The professor took the egg and examined it closely. "I can say with confidence that this is definitely an egg." "Yes, we'd established that." "Well, then, I don't know."

"Hand over those starter pokemon!" Damien and the professor whirled around to see three mysterious teenagers. Two were wearing very odd uniforms, and the third wore a damn cool black jacket and dark sunglasses. (He wore other clothes too. Just so we're clear.) "Why are you dancing? Badly, I might add." "Yeah," said the guy with the jacket. "You two suck. Screw you guys, I'm going over there." The guy with the jacket went over there.

"Hey, asshole!" called Damien. "What?" "You can't just steal these pokemon, dude!" "Why?" "Good question." "Go, Shrubkin!" A bright green doglike pokemon appeared. It had a row of leaves down its back and a vine tail. "Nerve pinch!" The nerve pinch caused Shrubkin to collapse. It was amusing.

"Now, give me those pokemon." "Never!" called the guy with the jacket, who ran off and collided with a lamppost. "Ow. Can't see a goddamn thing in these sunglasses." "Then take them off." "Heathen! That would ruin my evilness!" "O-kay…" Damien charged straight at the man with the jacket. He missed and fell off a stage. "Ow, my spleen!"

"Where is your spleen anyway?" "Somewhere in the liver area." "Oh, look, your egg broke." "Shit!" The egg then burst open, revealing a bright green dragon. Flames burst from its mouth and engulfed the guy with the jacket, whose name was Paddy. "OOOOWW!!! GODDAMNIT! IT STINGS MILDLY! NOW IT REALLY STINGS!" Paddy jumped into a conveniently placed fountain. The dragon turned to Damien in slow motion. A gopher appeared and looked at them in a dramatic fashion.

(Okay, I know many of you will be completely clueless about this story. So am I.)


	3. Chapter 3

(This story is the by-product of boredom and a deranged mind. This kind of thing is what happens when I have too much sugar. Or caffeine. Etc, etc. Thanks to Furyfur, LuxrayKing and NexCireneg. Remember, if you review, you might win a guest spot in my story.)

Ch 3: I think I'm Getting Quite Good at This…

Damien braced himself for a blast of fire. When it didn't happen, he stopped bracing himself. The dragon was having a slap fight with the gopher, who then looked at them in a dramatic fashion. Meanwhile, Paddy the Evil Lord of Doom and Destruction managed to get out of the fountain. (Yes, that's his full name. Well, not really. His middle name is John, not the.)

"Go, Lunol!" called Paddy as he tossed a pokeball. It bounced off the gopher's head and opened. A puppy with white fur and a black crescent on its head appeared. The Dragon pokemon turned to Damien. "Quazlan, Quaz, Quaz." {Is this guy for real? I could kick his ass with both legs tied behind my back.} The Dragon pokemon- Quazlan- then proceeded to do so, in a manner oddly reminiscent of the Matrix.

Damien and a very subdued Paddy walked over to where they had left Professor Spruce and the two unintelligent minor characters to battle or whatever. They were met with a confusing sight, that of four characters playing poker. (Jim came back.) "Jim? When did you get here? Didn't you leave in a manner that made you seem perverse?" "No, I was hungry and that guy sells hot dogs." "Oh." (See, he's not a pervert!)

"Look," said Professor Spruce. "There is no suit called Squiggles. You've been cheating." (No shit, professor(!)) "To the blimp!" The two Team Shuttle members (Yes, I know the name sucks.) ran to a blimp that no-one had noticed. "Damn, I paid for that!" roared Paddy. "Sucks to be you, dude." replied Jim.

Suddenly, three dozen police arrived. They wanted to question Paddy about why he was wearing a pair of completely black sunglasses that made it impossible to see. Afterwards, they all left. (This is roughly the limit of what I have seen policemen do.)

"That was anticlimactic." Damien muttered as he, Jim and Paddy walked towards the professor's lab. "Wait, why am I following them?" (Paddy, stay in character. Don't make me use plan DX2!) "Hang on, what's plan DX2?" asked a bemused Paddy. Jim then told him the details of plan DX2. They passed a man with a pipe. "Oh God! Don't use plan DX2!" (OK then, stop breaking the 4th wall.) "Hang on," interrupted Damien. "There's a 4th wall?" (Goddamnit shut up!)

"OK, why am I following them?" (Shut up, Paddy! Just accept it and move on!) They made it to the lab without any more OOC conversations. "But why-" (DX2.) "But it-" (DX-fucking-2!) Paddy and Jim mysteriously faded into the background. Damien approached the professor, who was relaxing in a big chair, vidchatting with professors Rowan and Oak. Surprisingly, even after nearly 15 years, they looked exactly the same.

"Ah, Damien, I presume." said professor Oak. "Holly, myself and Professor Rowan have been talking about this Quazlan pokemon. And we have a theory." a long silence ensued. "…………well?" "Well what?" "Your theory?" "Our theory is……"

(There you go, another few hundred words of the most randomly generated story ever)

_Paddy: That's it? Not even a smart-alec quip? The ending sucks!_

_Damien: Shut up, Paddy! He wrote most of this at eleven at night! He hasn't had any caffeine in forty-six hours!_

_Jim: Yeah. I pity him._

_Me: Guys, get away from the keyboard or I will delete you._


	4. Chapter 4

Ch 4: In Which I'm Slightly Blasphemous…

Damien stared incredulously at the vidchat screen. "No way. That would be a terrible plotline!" Paddy and Jim left. "What? We want to see what happens when Damien denies the fact that Quazlan is a legendary pokemon!" (Jim, I am going to eat you. You just ruined the first half of this chapter.) Because Jim ruined the first half of this chapter, everyone got pie, except him. "Aaaww…" Jim and Paddy then went outside. "But we-" Paddy and Jim then went outside. "But-" PADDY AND JIM THEN WENT OUTSIDE, OKAY?! "Okay."

Damien argued his case. The man with the pipe nodded his agreement. "Look," put in Professor Oak. "I think we can all agree that I am right. I have to be right. It's in the constitution." Damien stared in disbelief. Then he blinked. Then more staring. Then Damien spoke. "NO! That's the complete opposite of what we agreed on! Y'stupid, Bitch!" Paddy stuck his head around the door. "That's King Bitch to you!" Damien got pissed off and went outside. Somehow it was a different outside to where Jim and Paddy were.

Damien took out a box and opened it. He took out a cigarette and began smoking the heroanacainamorphinabis inside. A Luxray with a crown walked by on its hind legs. "Ah, good day to you, Damien." "Hey. Wow, I guess these things actually work." smiled Damien as he took a long drag. Two lights appeared in the distance. A sensation of being hit by a jeep coursed through Damien's body as he was hit by a jeep.

Damien woke up in a big white room. "Where the hell are my pants?" he wondered aloud. He then noticed a pair of pants a few feet away. "Oh. That's convenient." He walked over to a park bench and sat down. A table full of crappy magazines materialised to his left, as did a man with a beard and white robes to his right. "Hey." said Damien as he flicked through Cosmopolitan magazine. "Are you the guy who hit me with that jeep?"

"No, I am Jesus." Damien regarded him sceptically. "…Did you try my heroanacainamorphinabis?" "No, I really am Jesus." "Good to know. My name is Elvis(.)" "Sarcasm is the lowest from of wit. Ah, here comes my father now." Damien stared at the newly formed door which opened to reveal… something! Dramatic look gopher appeared.

God then spoke to Damien. "Right… I don't quite know how to tell you this, but you are dead." Damien looked aghast. "But that means I don't get paid! The bastard!" Damien launched into a rant about the author, who is me, being a bastard. So I hit him in the spleen. "Ow, my spleen!"

God then spoke again. "Oh, for the love of me… Right, you have to suffer in Purgatory, which the humans call Scotland!" Damien burst out laughing for about half an hour. God and Jesus just looked bemused. Eventually Damien's laughter subsided. "Heh… ooh… Scotland… ha, ha…" God turned to Jesus. "This is worse than what happened with Lazarus." "Well, Dad, you can't say he deserved to die. He ran a home for blind orphans! Blind orphans!"

"Well, what about Peter's Stag night? Nothing about blind orphans there." "Hey, there was something slipped in the wine. When I came to, those assholes had nailed me to a bloody cross! It took me two friggin' days to get out!" Damien had managed to compose himself. "Can I be resurrected, please? It's just there's a fanfiction based on me, so I kinda need to get back." "Ah, fanfiction, the only force greater than myself."

The sensation of being hit by a jeep coursed through Damien's soul. It hurt. Quite a bit. "Ow, my spleen… again…" Out of the corner of his eye he saw a pokemon shaped like a battery. It had big green teeth and red eyes. He heard a background character speaking somewhere to his right. "Dynam, use defibrillate!" "No, I'm okay, I'm -DDYYYAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH exclamation point!" "Mr. Lewinski, it happened again…"

(A word to the faithful; if you think this was bad, just wait! And to the Scots, don't worry, many other countries will also be pissed off by the end of this story. Luxrayking is the first reviewer to win a guest spot. Remember, you too, could get one line.)


	5. Chapter 5

**Ch.5: I'm Sorry for the Lack of Originality in This Title…**

Damien stretched as 95% of his joints cracked. "Is my spine supposed to crack?" "Maybe." pondered Jim. "Has it been sent into space?" "Not with me still attached, anyway. What in God's name made you ask that?" "God?" "Why am I tied to Jim?" asked a distinctly confused Paddy. "In case you try to make a break for it and thus break the conditions of your parole." "I'm on parole?" "Yes. Now, on a completely unrelated topic, I met Jesus." "You were found smoking heroanacainamorphinabis." "So?"

The three of them exited through the gates of Eon City. Damien had only just been released, or so he said. As Damien and Paddy set up camp, Jim decided to go for a walk into the darkest part of the forest, Happy Grove (Insert dramatic look gopher here). Just as Paddy finished putting up the unfathomably complicated tent, the two trainers heard a yell. "Ow!" "That sounds like the stupid guy you hang around with!" "Of course it's Jim, do you know any of your lines?" "Course not. That's why I got hired." "You were supposed to actually read the script." "I lost it. My dog ate it. You were supposed to read the script! Fear my evilness!" "You didn't have a dog when you got it." "Shit." "Let's just go."

They emerged into Happy Grove and saw Jim being beaten to a pulp by a teenager with red hair and a ponytail. "Don't call me Ginger, you bastard! Fuck you!" "Dude! Stop hitting me!" Damien ran up. "Dude, I don't know who the fuck you are, but hjhgfkaurhusdnhuewahuhiefh!" "What the fuck?" "I'm sorry. It appears that every time the author leaves, random shit happens." replied Damien as he sprouted a magnificent handlebar moustache. "I don't get it." "Don't question it. It will only make your brain hurt." The stranger stepped back onto the conveniently placed Happy Grove battlefield.

"I'll tell you what," muttered the newcomer. "I will stop beating him with this wooden leg with a nail through it if you can beat me in a three-on-three pokemon battle." "I only have one pokemon." "Okay, a three-on-one battle." "Two" "Deal."

Damien took the snoring Quazlan out of his bag. "Qua…" Why did you wake me when I was dreaming about pie? "Quazlan, time for battle!" "Lan, lan." Alright, I'm awake now, I might as well hit something. "Hey!" called the newcomer. "Why don't I have a name?" "You do. You just haven't told us yet." "Shit, I forgot my name." "Then call yourself Seth." "That's my name!"

"It is now, anyway. Go, Quazlan!" "Go, Bonsly! BONSLY!" "Use Water Gun!" "Go Bonsly, go! Run like you're not a useless piece of shit!" "Quaz lan quaz." We both know how this is going to end, so just fall down and save us all the bother of fighting, okay? At these words, Bonsly fell sideways and fell asleep. "BONSLY!" "Dude, calm down!" "Go, Nidoran! Male!" (I have just found out that this version of Microsoft Word can't insert the male symbol.)

A pink rabbit-like pokemon covered with toxic spikes and a central forehead horn appeared. "Nidoran, use Horn Hazard!" Nidoran's horn began to secrete poison, as he charged towards Quazlan, who was doing chin-ups on a nearby branch. Unfortunately, Nidoran was too short to reach Quazlan. "Qua-az!" Nyah, nyah! This comment greatly pissed off Nidoran. "Ni, do, Nidoran!" Fight me like a Nidoking, you bastard. Fuck shit motherfucker!

Quazlan got one of those weird bendy cross things you see in anime on the back of his head. "Quaz!" Fuck you! What did I do? "Nido do ran ni. NI!" Sorry, I have Tourette's syndrome. SHIT! "A small pink rabbit with Tourette's syndrome? This is fucked up even by your standards." Jim muttered to Damien. "Quazlan, use kung fu!" "Qua!" What the fuck! "Or Ember, either is good." "Hey!" yelled Seth. "We're in the middle of a battle here!" "Sorry." "Ni!" Bitch! "Fury Attack!" called Seth.

"Quazlan! Wait seventeen seconds and then use Water Gun!" "Lan!" That makes little or no sense. Ah, what do I care, I'm getting paid by the chapter. After sixteen seconds of frantic dodging, Nidoran's horn impaled a tree branch and left him dangling in mid-air.

"Ni ni do ran! NI NI NI DO! This is rather embarrassing. Fuck Shit Bastard Shit! At this final comment, Quazlan saturated Nidoran until he swallowed water and lost consciousness due to oxygen deprivation. Nidoran was also knocked out.

"Damn. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to win." Seth murmured. "That's in chapter 8, not chapter 5."explained Damien. "And you have to agree to accompany us on our journey." "No I don't." "You do now. I have your map… and your contract."

Suddenly, and for no adequately explained reason, Nidoran began glowing white, becoming too bright to see. "MY EYES!" yelled Paddy. "My uninsured eyes!" When the light subsided, Nidoran had disappeared. In his place stood a larger, angrier, more bad-ass deep purple Nidorino.

"Well," said Damien to break the awkward silence, that was punctuated only by Paddy's calls of "My eyes!", "That wasn't supposed to happen for another two chapters." "Nido. NI!" I concur. SHIT!

"I'm hungry." added Jim. "Let's go buy pie!" Damien and Seth looked at each other. "Meh, okay. But no squirrel pie. That has gotten you banned from 45 restaurants in the last 17 months. I am not going to be your lawyer this time!"


	6. Chapter 6

Ch.6: A Homicidal Dragon and a Samurai Dog Thingy? This is Just Getting Ridiculous…

Damien stretched and grabbed the hands reaching for his throat. "You'll have to do better than that, Seth." he grinned. "The first morning Paddy joined us, he shot at me." he proclaimed matter-of-factly. "In fact, he shot at me six times, then his gun died." "It what?"

"This is not the type of conversation that should be had with a 14-year-old you just met, but sometimes, a gun that's very old isn't around anymore. If that gun shot a lot of hippies and bad people, it goes to a special place called Heaven. If it shot a lot of good people, it goes to a very bad place called Hell." "…You're insane, you know that?" "Yes, thank you. I do know that." "…"

"Hi lads." said Damien brightly to the depressed teenagers huddled around a pitiful fire. "What's wrong? Are we fired?" "No." said Seth. "Why aren't you subject to the 4th wall?" "You mean this?" asked Damien, pulling out a plastic wall with the number 4 printed on it. "No..." "Okay, I guess Quazlan can play with this." said Damien, waking the dragon pokemon. "Quazlan." Good, I need a way to vent all this inexplicable rage. replied Quazlan, spitting his Ember attack at the 4th wall.

"Oh shit." burst out Damien as he read a note from the author. "_Damien, take care of this 4__th__ wall. It holds the key to the safety, or the destruction, of the fan fiction universe. A._" "Is that bad?" wondered Jim aloud. "Yes, it is very bad, Jim. We are all about to die, in my case, for the second time." "I don't want to die. I just put a down payment on a villa in Tuscany." "It's about to become a liquid asset, Paddy."

A searing heat enveloped them as the universe collapsed inwards on itself. The Earth fell victim to Judgement Day, The Rapture, The Apocalypse, Et Cetera, Et Cetera. Satan reaped the souls of the damned, God letting the righteous and pure of spirit into Heaven as the forces of Light and Darkness prepared for the mind-shatteringly awesome final battle. The Fallen Angels tore apart the earth and sky, as the radiating truth of the meaning of Life hung in the balance as the prize for the victors. Blade clashed against blade, former friends battling as mortal enemies.

Then I got bored and brought them all back. IN 3D! "THAT WAS AWESOME!" called Damien. "Let's go again!" "NO!" yelled the assorted characters on the ground. "Just a suggestion." "Quaz!" Dude, you need help. Seriously.

They continued their journey to Zuba City, famous for the Zuba Zubat Gym, built of Zubats, by Zubats, for the Zubats of Zubat City. …I mean Zuba City! Stupid broken backspace.

"Look, a blue dog thingy!" piped up Jim. A Riolu stood a few feet away, eating an apple. "I'm gonna catch it!" put in Damien. "Why do you get to catch it?" grumbled Paddy. "I called dibs." "That's childish." "You wish you'd called dibs, don't you?" "Damn your twisted logic!"

Damien stepped up to a handily placed open area in the middle of the forest. "Go, Quazlan!" "Zzzz…Quaz…" Mommy, I don't wanna go to school today… "I'm not your fucking Mommy!" "Lan?" Where did Mommy go? "Quazlan, you're about to battle a little blue dog." "…" What the hell. You woke me up for that?

"Quazlan, use Ember!" Quazlan shot a volley of flames from its mouth. "Qua!" Hot, hot, warm, tepid, cool… "Ri! Riolu lu!" Ha! Your pitiful honourless flames cannot stop a samurai! jeered Riolu, who for no adequately explained reason, had a moustache like an oriental General stereotype.

The flames directly hit Riolu, causing critical damage. "Luuu…" Ow, my body. This is rather more painful than I anticipated. "Finish him with Water Gun!" "Quaz!" I might as well, since that plastic target I melted disappeared in that minor apocalypse. But I digress. After nearly drowning, Riolu was too weak to stand. "Go, Pokeball!" Damien missed. Twice. He would have missed the third time, but he shot it out of a sniper rifle to make sure. And Quazlan was the one that fired. Did I neglect to mention he is a very bad shot?

"Ri ri lu ri!" This loss shames me and all my ancestors. "You are _not _a samurai!" said Seth, who had very few lines this chapter. "RIOLU!" How dare you! BANZAI! yelled Riolu, beating Seth with obscenely large sticks. "Ow! That's not funny!" yelled Seth. Damien laughed. "I think we'll get along just fine. If we don't, you're probably going to be fired and replaced by a Pidgey." "RI!" FUCK YOU! YOU DISHONOUR ME! "Oh, shit."


	7. Chapter 7

CH.7: It's About Damn Time They Reached a Gym…

As Damien and his retinue reached the walls of Zuba City, they realised that they had no way to get over said walls. "We should go to Ancien City instead." advised Paddy. "We should." replied Damien. The other three looked disturbed at this uncharacteristic display of sanity, when compared to Damien's usual plans, which usually involved either dynamite, lasers or laser dynamite. "But we won't." he grinned.

Paddy woke a few minutes later, extremely confused. "Why am I tied to a hang-glider?" he called from several metres up. "It's just so you won't hurt yourself when we shoot the anchor out of this cannon." replied Damien. "Anchor?" "Yeah, we need something to pull you back down. Fire!" "WAAAHH!" yelled Paddy as he soared into the air. The anchor landed in the middle of the town square.

But Paddy didn't. "How do I go down?" he called to Damien. "Just let go!" called Jim. "Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh…" cried Paddy as he fell the disorienting drop to the ground. "Dude, 5 feet is not a disorienting drop." "It is to me! You weren't tied to the hang-glider!"

"We need 24% less gunpowder, and aim it 3 degrees lower." instructed Damien. "How the fuck can you be so smart?" "I read books, Jim." "Re-ad?" said Jim. "Bo-oks?" continued Seth. "I?" finished Paddy. Damien looked at his three companions. "We really should have finished our 2nd level education."

After several failed attempts to get over the wall, involving a shotgun toaster, insulting Seth's red hair (that's the guy who says he doesn't need anger management. Sure(!)), semi-legal squirrel pie, a battering ram and 14 ladders tied together, Damien was forced to give up. Of course, being Damien, he refused to listen to even his own brain. He decided that the best way to deal with his problem was to play poker.

"Look, Quazlan, there's no way that you got two Royal Flushes in a row. (The enemy team doesn't get a capital letter, but a hand in poker does. WTF.) The odds are billions to less than one." "Quaz lan Quaz!" What are you implying? "Have you been cheating? Again?" "Lan lan Quaz!" How dare you! Hoenn Rage!

"Ow, Quazlan, stop burning me! That's it!" whooped Damien. He took out two rocket launchers from his seemingly bottomless rucksack. "Lads, you might want to stand back."

Damien took careful aim at a Jim-shaped dent in the wall, (told you Seth needed anger management) readied his rockets, then swivelled downwards and fired. "Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh…" THUD! That is _**not **_the sound Damien made when he hit the ground, but the sounds he did make are probably illegal.

"I made it!" he laughed as he extinguished the flames covering his hoodie. "Congratulations." congratulated Paddy. "How the _ did you three get in here?" "The stairs."

At this point, Damien said something so obscene that if I tried to type it, a highly trained SWAT team would burst in, arrest me, and force me to rewrite it as I have above. (Okay seriously, who told them where I live? Was it **YOU?** You know who you are.) Just as well I can't spell it properly.

"Should we go to the gym, so?" Damien asked his three friends, who were frozen in horror. Eventually, Damien took a collapsible wheelbarrow from his bag, (That's probably pushing it a bit, but I did say 6 chapters ago that his bag was heavy. I think.) put the three of them into it, and took them to the Zuba Zubat gym.

"Oi, Lads!" called an unfamiliar voice. "Oh, fuck no!" groaned Damien. "What?" asked the recently thawed Paddy. (He just didn't want to get up. Lazy sh*te. What? Oh, fine. Sorry, Paddy.) "It's one of my many rival minor characters. He thinks he's Irish, but he's actually Oirish." "NNNOOOOOOOOOOO!" roared Seth.

"Not a minor Oirish character!" "OI, LADS!" repeated the newcomer. "Oi'm goin ta da Jym!" "What is he saying?" asked a fearful Seth. "Either he's going to the gym, or he wants directions to Paraguay." (it's the first one.) "Damo, me auld chara!" "Erm, hello, Seamus." "Didja getcher badge yet? And how're the min?"

"WHAT THE HELL IS HE SAYING!" cried Paddy and Seth together. "Looks loik yer man wit da ginger hair needs a spo' o' the auld anger management, ya know?" "DON'T CALL ME GINGER YOU B*ST*RD! AND I DON'T NEED F*CKING ANGER MANAGEMENT!" "AAAAHH! Stop wit da hittin me, ya f*ckin eejit!"

Two hours and sixteen minutes later, the four boys entered the gym in the town plaza. (Seamus having been dropped off at the nearby hospital) Damien called out, for no adequately explained reason, "I, Damien Farrell of Freshseed Town, challenge the gym leader of the Zuba City gym to an unnecessarily dramatic pokemon battle!"

"Dude, why did you just call out?" Paddy asked. "Weren't you listening? It was for no adequately explained reason." "Oh." "This story could really use some progress of the plot." interjected Jim, despite him not even knowing the meaning of the word interject until its use in this fan fiction.

Hey, you guys ain't our customers called a generic Mexican voice… from the roof. They looked up to see a Zubat facing them. Which would not have been odd, except for two things. One; it was wearing a sombrero. Two; it had a moustache. "Go, Quazlan!" Quazlan appeared from a pokeball holding a TV remote and a bag of Doritos. Dude! I was watching Scrubs! "But you have Sky+. You can just record it." Yeah, but still, you don't just interrupt Scrubs! It's just not…good. "Listen." muttered a disgruntled Paddy. "Just get this battle over with." Hey, you guys is gonna lose. called the Zubat.

Damien, why are they similar to characters from an parody series? It scares me. hissed Quazlan. "What the hell! You're a homicidal dragon. They're blind freakin' bats! Just be glad none of them have harpoons."

RRROOOOOAAARRR yelled a Crobat that none of them had noticed before. (Seriously, these guys should pay more attention.) You have stumbled upon our Mexican drug dealing ring. Now you will pay the price. But not literally. "Well, duh." I'm just saying… "No-one cares." Go, my drug-dealing army! Incapacitate them with pot! Not literally. Well, duh. Seriously, why is this guy our boss? He's big and mean.

The three Zubats turned to Quazlan. "Wait, are you using three pokemon at once?" Yeah. "But that's against the rules." Screw the rules, I have drug money. (Okay, I'll cool it with the Abridged Series references.) "In that case, I'll send out my Aljabar!" "What!" burst out Seth. "I caught this in the brief period between this chapter and the last, for no reason whatsoever." After the pokeball opened, an X-shaped purple pokemon with five eyes was floating alongside Quazlan.

"Aljabar, use Confusion! Quazlan, do something random!" the Confusion attack disoriented the Zubats without the need for intoxicants. Quazlan tensed up and his eyes glowed bright yellow. Nothing happened. Then he shot a Thundershock out of his mouth. It finished off the Zubats and also hurt Crobat. You little _! I kill you! (in case you're wondering, the line in the middle of the sentence means "insert swear word here") Crobat knocked Quazlan into a stone pillar, which collapsed. 111x+11y-12! (That means "Shit" in algebra) yelled Aljabar. "Oh, God!" called Jim. "Not Maths! It makes my brain sting."

"Ow, my brain!" Paddy, Seth and Crobat called simultaneously. "Aljabar!" Damien called. "Telepathically transmit equations into Crobat's brain!" {7367t-4352d+74633287i=532473275321854.1} The final 0.1 blew up what little mind Crobat had left. All that remained was a memory of a dancing Pachirisu. Damien walked over to a box. In it were gym badges shaped like Zubats. "I got a Zubadge from the Zuba City Zuba Zubat gym!" he proclaimed. "Not more words!" groaned Jim.

(So Damien has three pokemon now. I would say it's the beginning of the apocalypse, but that already happened.)

Aljabar: [psychic]: variable pokemon: NNNOOOO! It's evil! Because it's advanced algebra! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!


	8. Chapter 8

Ch.8. A Duck. A Freaking Duck. I Mean, My God, Man…

Paddy got out of his hammock, stretching his muscles after a long night of not sleeping. His natural paranoia prevented him from sleeping well, so he compensated by almost OD-ing on caffeine. Exactly why is beyond me. But I digress. As he exited the tent, he spied a mallard (That means a duck, stupid people of the world.) wearing Damien's signature green t-shirt emblazoned with a pokeball image.

"Morning, Paddy." called Jim. "Hi, Jim. Why is Damien a duck?" "Damien didn't show up for work this chapter, so we had to get his understudy in. By the way, it's not Damien anymore. It's Stuart." "But Damien's the main character." "Yeah, so this chapter is centred around you. I can't wait till I get my own chapter." "…"

"What? I have to get one. It says so in our contracts. "All major characters must receive at least one chapter centred around them."" "So what do I do as the main character?" pondered Paddy. "Er, maybe you should catch a pokemon or have a battle."

"Where's Seth?" "He pissed me off, so I threw him west." Just then, Paddy's mobile rang. "I have a mobile? Why was I not informed?" "Hey, Paddy! I'm alive… in China!"

"I know what to do. I will form my _evil_ council of… evilness." cackled Paddy. "With the most _evil _people of all time. Hello, is this the office of David Hasselhoff? Oh. No, I understand." Paddy said. "Okay, plan B."

Paddy hit the table with a small mallet. "Okay, time to call the roll of evilness. Stuart?" "Which of the 13 languages I know should I reply in?" "…Okay, you're here. Jim?" "Zzzzzz… No, not algebra! COBRAS!" "…Seth?" "What? I wasn't listening. Is it twelve?"

"Representatives of the lawyers' union?" "Present. By the way, we're suing you." "You're fired. Piedmon?" "Even I think this is crazy." giggled the psychotic digimon. "You really need some continuity." "Quit clowning around." snarled Paddy. (Pun intended.) Complete silence followed.

"I enjoyed your bad joke." smiled Stuart. "Don't push your luck." growled Paddy. "It was punny." the duck continued. "Oh, that's f***ing it." said Paddy as he pulled a shotgun from Damien's bag. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"That wasn't punny." grimaced the duck. Paddy's eye began twitching. "I will murder you!" he roared as he clubbed the defenceless bird until it was cracked and broken. "Don't ever say that again!" he yelled.

Damien appeared with a cup of coffee in his hand. "I'm gone for a page and a half and Paddy kills Stuart? I'm never leaving you three alone again." muttered Damien. Paddy stood up, waking Jim in the process. "No more gravy!" came the panicked yell.

Paddy left the tent, pissed off at how much his own chapter sucked. He was so pissed that I decided he would forget his map. "Hello? Damien? Seth? Jim? You guys are the worst friends ever!"

Meanwhile: "Got any threes?" asked Seth. "Dude, we're playing draughts, also known as checkers." "I thought we were playing Duel Monsters." "Why would we have a chessboard to play Duel Monsters?" asked an incredulous Damien.

Checkmate! I sunk your battleship! laughed Quazlan. This loss shames me. I must beg my elders for forgiveness You lost a game of dominoes. It's not the end of the world …again. I remember that! put in Aljabar. It sucked! Bishop to C4.

(By the way, they were playing poker.)

"Guys!" called Paddy. "Oh, great. I'm missing games night for this." He sat down and retraced his steps. "Oh, crap. Was it left, right, left or right, left, right?" he wondered aloud. Hey, Buddy. called a Brooklyn accent from the nearby river. Get outta here. This' my turf. Paddy looked around incredulously (I like that word. Incredulously. Try saying it backwards. Go on, I dare ya.) to see a Sharpedo in the river. "Alright, time for me to actually do something. Go, Lunol!" called Paddy.

Your mutt can't hoit (That's hurt, non-Brooklyn speakers) me! grinned the shark. I'm no mutt! I'm a goddamn thoroughbred. replied Lunol. "Lunol, use Quick Attack!" …Seriously? You want me to use Quick Attack? "Well, yes, frankly." See, I think it would be better to wait until he attacks, and then counter-strike. "Nobody cares what you think." His mummy does. interrupted Sharpedo. (Am I the only person who wonders about the suffix "Pedo"?)

Lunol dashed from side to side as fans would have seen in the anime when a pokemon uses Agility. The anime sucked. God bless you, makers of abridged series everywhere. He sped towards the river, slamming into Sharpedo with considerable force. Which would have worked, had the water not cushioned the blow. (Yeah, I defy the laws of the universe but still obey the laws of physics. ZWA!)

Ha! You thought a puppy could hurt me? I AM NOT A PUPPY! howled Lunol. He began to glow like Nidoran had. Paddy put on his sunglasses. What? I thought you were a creationist. the shark called. "I am? Why wasn't I informed?" As the glow faded, Lunol had been replaced by a taller, more agile Absol. Now who's a puppy, b*tch?

Sharpedo tried a Water Pulse attack, which hit Paddy, who was still unable to see through his glasses. He hit a tree, which fell onto another tree, causing a chain reaction which eventually led up to the last tree falling on top of the first one, launching Paddy into the air, causing him to fall at the bank of the river, loosening the earth at the banks, which fell into the river, blocking it and drying up the section of the river in which Sharpedo was swimming. Damn, that was coincidental. remarked Absol. Help! the shark called. I'm drowning. "I thought fish could breathe air in this dimension." They can. replied Absol, sweatdropping.

"Hello, Paddy." said Jim. Paddy whirled around to see the camp, only a few yards from where he had been wandering around aimlessly. "Guys! What the hell is wrong with you? I've been calling you for like an hour!" "You can't interrupt game night."

Jim replied sternly. "Exactly." agreed Damien and Seth. "Screw you, hippies!" called Paddy. "Go, pokeball!" This pokeball was actually on target. "Alright, I caught a Sharpedo!" "Why does it have the suffix "Pedo"?" "You had to ruin it for me, didn't you?"

(Paddy now has a shark. From Brooklyn. Prepare for a crappy parody of "The Godfather. No, don't, that sucks.)


	9. Chapter 9

Ch.9: This Chapter is Pivotal to the Plot…I Almost Meant That.

Seth awoke to the sound of a long, drawn-out "NNNOOOOOOOOO!", not unlike what you hear when people in films throw back their heads, lying next to a corpse. However, having looked ahead in the script, he was fairly certain that there were no corpses in this particular chapter.

Seth stepped outside to see the other three boys staring in horror at what appeared to be some kind of timetable. It was, in fact, a timetable. Jim fell to the ground, sobbing "God, why have you forsaken me?" "MAYBE I JUST FELT LIKE IT!" boomed a voice from above Jim's head. Paddy sputtered incoherently. Damien fainted.

"Dude, what's going on?" asked Seth. "It's Damien's turn to cook." sobbed Jim. "And we're out of pancakes." "I don't get it." "Damien is going to cook breakfast. He burnt a cup of tea, for Christ's sake!" "Do I want to know?" "…No." A man with a pipe sat on a log a few feet away.

Damien took a deep breath. He carefully placed a second slice of bread on top of ham and cheese. Paddy stepped out from behind the clear plastic shield. "I don't believe it. You actually made an actual sandwich?" Said sandwich then exploded. Damien raised his head from the floor. "Goddammit! Too much mustard!"

As Damien and Paddy exited the Ancien city general hospital, they were met with the sight of Seth and Jim, carrying pillars of pancakes. "How the hell did you get so many pancakes?" yelled Damien. "They're giving away free pancakes to anyone who makes a find at the fossil dig downtown." At this, Damien walked up to a random guy and asked where the fossil dig was.

"This is coincidental. I myself am going to the fossil dig. By the way, my name's Chase." "Damien." "Jim." "Seth." "You will never find out my name. Ever!" "Paddy, don't talk to the nice man like that." "But he wants to kill me!"

"Face it, Paddy. Nobody's trying to kill you. Except the sun. And possibly Jesus." "I knew it! You're all in on it! Especially you!" Paddy yelled, pointing at the man with the pipe. "Paddy, that is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Now get back in the box."

The man with the pipe took out a mobile and pressed a speed-dial button. "We have been discovered. Flee."

"I don't wanna go in the box!" "Get in the goddamn box, Paddy." "I don't wanna go in the box!" Damien picked up a pancake and threw it into the box. "You really think I'll get in the box for a pancake? Don't insult me."

Damien promptly threw a second pancake in, at which point Paddy shook his head. Rather than waste more pancakes, Jim threw Paddy into the box. Damien and Seth then nailed the box shut. Chase looked on in bemusement.

"Shall we go?" asked Damien, hoisting the box onto his back. "Yes, okay." The five of them made their way to the excavation site. When they arrived, they saw that the only way in was a ladder leaning against a sheer rock face. Seth and Jim went first, followed by the box, then Chase and finally Damien. Paddy was then let out of the box.

Damien slipped and lost his grip on the ladder. Fortunately, there was a piece of rock jutting out which he managed to grab hold of. Unfortunately, it broke. Damien fell the disorienting drop (that's right, five feet.) to the bottom of the pit, landing painfully on an Omastar shell. He looked up to see the crack in the wall split and the entire pit wall fell on top of him, revealing an entire Aerodactyl fossil. The fossil then fell on Damien. "Should we help him?" asked Chase. "Pancakes first." replied Jim.

Damien stepped out of the hospital for the second time that chapter and punched the three members of his repertoire very hard in the faces. "You guys are bastards! I nearly fucking died, for God's sake! We can't use that plotline twice!" "But… why?" asked Jim. "Shut up, Jim." "But… why?" "Shut up. Just shut up." "But… wh-" " If you say "But… why?" once more, I will make your puberty very, very boring."

"I think we should go to the gym." Paddy interjected. "Nobody cares what you think, Paddy!" Jim called. Complete silence ensued. "Dude, we already used that quote." said Seth. "I think we should go to the gym." Damien remarked. "Good idea, Damien." "That's my idea!" "Screw you, Paddy!" "You're China!" "What an outrageous accusation!" "Who's talking?"

They made their way to the gym, which was conveniently placed right beside the hospital. "You know," began Seth. "No, you haven't told us yet." "I haven't seen Chase for almost an entire page." "Thus he must be a minor character." "Hey, I say "Thus". That's my thing that I say!" "You can have "Thusly"." "… okay."

The four of them made their way through the gym, occasionally using rocks as nerd-smashers. They approached the gym leader, who looked, smelt like and tasted like Chase. However, it was in fact, Chase! A gopher looked at them all in a dramatic fashion. Doooo-deeee-dooooooooo! "Is that thing stalking us? It's really creepy!"

(Oh, my, God. Gym leaders can actually exist outside of their gyms? We're all doomed! Doomed, I tell you! DOOMED!)


	10. Chapter 10

Ch. 10: Double Digits? I'm Surprised I got this Far…

Damien stared dumbstruck, meaning "Struck dumb", at Chase, who was apparently some kind of gym leader. Or maybe he just liked standing there. "Aha!" aha'd Paddy. "So he _is_ trying to kill me!" "Paddy, just because he's a gym leader doesn't mean he's trying to kill you." "Doesn't it?" Paddy said in a rhetorical fashion. (Keep a dictionary on hand during this story) "Anyway," Damien put in. "Time for another unnecessarily dramatic pokemon battle!"

"_doo-do-doo- it's another gym battle- doo-do-doo- it's another gym battle time!"_

"Who the fuck is playing that music?" "I… don't know." Damien turned to face Chase, who had a steely glint in his eyes, which suited a cardboard cut-out. However, the cardboard cut-out was irrelevant to the situation at hand, so Chase removed it. "I, Damien of Freshseed town, challenge the leader of the Ancien city gym to an-" "Look, we're not going to listen to this every time you have a battle, okay?" "Fine."

"Hey, didn't you say I was gonna win a battle in chapter 8?" Seth asked. "Why, yes I did." "So why didn't I?" "TASER!" Several hundred volts of electricity coursed through Seth's body. He fell to the ground, twitching.

"Well, that's that settled." "Dude, why'd you taser Seth?" Several hundred volts of electricity coursed through Paddy's body. "Dude!" began Jim, but he stopped at one look at the taser. (See, he's the smart one!)

"Are they gonna be okay?" enquired Chase. "Of course, I wouldn't kill off two main characters in one chapter." "What do you mean, main characters?" "…Erm… Well, this is awkward. Let's just have a battle." "No, answer me!" "TASER!" The taser narrowly missed Chase and hit an archaeologist to his left.

"Okay, okay! We'll battle! Go, Veloc!" A dark red lizard-like pokemon appeared, large claws on its hands and feet. "Go, Aljabar!" Aljabar eyed his opponent doubtfully, which was unnerving since he had five, and presumably still has.

H2SO4 he asked. "Wait, you speak Chemistry?" H2O (Yes.) "Cool! FeC." (No, that's not what you think it is.) Hcl. "FeO." NaCl? "MgO! Ch4, H2 O2." H2O2, MnO2 CaCO3 CaCl2! (For those of you who don't speak Chemistry, take solace in the knowledge that I do.)

"Veloc, use Slash!" "Aljabar, use Rapid Spin!" Sparks flew where the two pokemon clashed, raining down on two archaeologists in a pit beside them. "OW, THAT BURNS!" "Sorry, guys!"

"Aljabar, use Confusion!" Aljabar's eyes glowed blue, and Veloc began to float in midair. Aljabar looked to the left, and Veloc slammed into a stalagmactite. (That's what I call a cave pillar.) Aljabar looked to the right and- well, you get the idea. Aljabar looked in five different directions, and Veloc fell down, dead. He was then tested by medical officials who upgraded his condition to alive.

"Go, Tortapin!" called Chase. A sand-coloured tortoise with dozens of spikes covering its shell emerged from the pokeball, despite the pokeball being the size of an orange. "Tortapin, use Rapid Spin!"

"Oh God, don't make it rhyme!" "Oh God, I feel like such an idiot. Just attack." Tortapin spun rapidly, (Ooh, shocker!) smashing into Aljabar and knocking him unconscious.

Meanwhile, Paddy and Seth had regained consciousness, and had learned something. "You mean he doesn't know we're in a story?" asked Jim. "Should we tell him?" Seth put in. "We could, but it's much funnier this way." replied Paddy. The man with the pipe had returned.

"Go, Riolu!" Ha! No tortoise, no matter how spiky, can defeat a samurai! "Okay, for the last time, you are not a fucking samurai!" I was not born a samurai, it was my destiny. "Dude, seriously, stop it. It's really annoying." But mine is a lonely destiny. I have sworn to defend truth and honour, fighting for all that is good and just.

"Dude, do you want me to taser you?" I must fight alone, forsaking all temptations, for such is the way of the samurai. "Are you even listening to me?"

At that precise moment in an undisclosed location: "Mister Junior Senior Vice President in Charge of Really, Really Freaky Shit, there is a matter of national security that requires your attention." "You woke me up for that? You're fired." "But sir, this is a matter of great urgency. The entire world could be in peril." "So?"

"So it is your duty as the Junior Senior Vice President in Charge of Really, Really Freaky Shit to investigate such happenings." "If I go see what's wrong, will you shut up?" "Yes I will, sir." "Okay, fine." The two supervisors of area 52 showed the Vice President their findings.

(Turns out Area 51 _is_ just a paranoid was started by vampires and demon collaborators in 1947 so that anyone waking up with weird scars would blame imaginary aliens. This was deemed unfair by the Galactic Council, who are refusing to allow Earth to join until this racist outlook is stopped. But that is irrelevant.)

"Oh my God. Are these accurate?" "I'm afraid so. That very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, _very _big rock is going to hit Earth in only a few dozen chapters." "That's bad squishee."

Three hours later: I must be swift as the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, and all the strength of a raging fire; mysterious as the dark side of the moon. intoned Riolu.

"FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!" sobbed Damien. Tortapin suddenly collapsed from sheer boredom, falling into the pit of archaeologists. "Ow!" "Sorry, guys." "Tortapin has left the battle. Riolu wins!" called a referee. "Why are you here?" "For no adequately explained reason. Why else?"

"Go, Ivysaur! Razor Leaf his ass!" The Razor leaf attack interrupted Riolu's speech about samurai discipline and training. The remainder of the leaves flew into the pit. "OW!" "Sorry, guys!" "Quazlan, Quick Attack!" "Ivysaur, Headbutt!" The two pokemon clashed fiercely. "Ivysaur, Vine Whip!" "Ember, Quazlan!" "No more gravy!" yelled Jim, jerking awake. The vines burst into flames and rained fire onto Chase's colleagues.

"OW! This is the worst pain ever!" "As I said, sorry, guys!" Ivysaur collapsed. "Well done, dude!" Chase congratulated Damien. "Say, lads, you mind if I come with you?" "Why?" "I'm just really, really, really, really, really bored." "As good a reason as any. Okay, you can come." "Sweet. Here's your Fossil Badge." "Thanks, dude." "Now, what did you mean by "chapters"?" "TASER!"

Tortapin: [rock/ground]: tortoise pokemon: Well, not all tortoise/turtle/terrapins can swim.

Veloc: [rock/fighting]: Raptor pokemon: Who knew that dinosaurs kick boxed? I did, but who else did?


	11. Chapter 11

Ch.11: Seth May or May Not Win a Battle in this Chapter… and I Will Disprove Creationism… Eventually…

"67." "84." "12." "Why are you calling out numbers?" asked Chase as he emerged from the tent. "We're trying to guess how many Ferrero Rochers Damien can eat in one minute." "Okay. Erm, 7." "And… go!" Damien began stuffing Ferrero Rochers down his throat at a rate that would shame the current champion. He barely chewed, if he did at all.

"Seventeen!" called Jim when the minute ended. "Congratulations, Chase, you win!" "But Paddy said twelve." "Yes," began Damien, who looked fairly sick. "But it's not how close you are numerically, it's how close they are in the dictionary." "Oh…"

"Hey, idiots!" came a call from somewhere to their left. Everyone except Damien turned to see a burly teenager, wearing a t-shirt saying "I {heart} Texas!" He burst out laughing. "You dumbasses! You looked!" Damien stood up and began walking away. "Damien, who the hell is this guy?" asked Paddy. "That's Dan. He's the guy I named my left kidney after." "Why?" "They're both easy to punch and full of shit."

"Well, nerd, looks like I was right. Nerds do flock together." laughed Dan in a Texan accent. "I mean, you got a guy who wears shades in September, a retard, a fossil geek and a ginger!" "Don't call Paddy a retard!" yelled Jim as he removed his shades. "What did you say?" whispered Seth.

"What's the matter, ginger? Your ginger hair blocking your ginger ears? Ginger." At this, Seth lost control. It took the combined efforts of Paddy and Jim to restrain him. Damien restrained Dan as Chase looked on, bemused.

"Lads, lads!" roared Damien, drawing his taser. "Right, we're gonna settle this like men; by making animals beat each other senseless." A gopher appeared and looked at them all in a dramatic fashion. "Okay, seriously, what is that thing? No pokemon that I know of looks even remotely like that." "Let's kill it!"

Seth and Dan stood on opposite ends of a battlefield. "I pick first, ginger. Go, Woodbone!" A six-foot tall troll-like pokemon appeared. "Okay, I choose Growlithe!" A Growlithe appeared, which looked puny compared to the giant troll. This made Dan laugh. "Woodbone, use Rock Smash!" Woodbone smashed a rock, the pieces of which flew into Growlithe. "Growlithe, use Fire Spin!" Dan had failed to realise that the wood in Woodbone was not just a name, it was a description of his type. Dan was stupid not to realise this.

"Man up, Woodbone! Show 'em what you're made of!" You mean wood? "Use Mega Punch!" Had the Mega Punch struck Growlithe, it would have almost definitely squashed him like a very flat, squashed thing. Fortunately, it struck Seth instead, squashing him like a very flat, squashed thing.

"Growlithe, use Ember, and get me a cold compress please. Thank you, doctor." said Seth in a dazed voice. The Ember attack set Woodbone on fire, causing a great deal of damage. "You can't beat me because I'm a Texan!" "Great, we got another racist stereotype." "Go, Gemin!" A small crystalline pokemon appeared. "Gemin, use Rock Throw!" A large boulder hurtled through the air and landed on top of Growlithe. It hurt. Quite a bit.

"Go, Nidorino!" Seth roared. Oh yeah, I rock. Fuck! "Nidorino, Double Kick!" Nidorino struck Gemin right in the face. "Gemin, use Guillotine!" For once, this move actually worked. Nidorino's head fell off. Fortunately, due to plot holes it was surgically replaced by a pair of Caterpie.

"You've lost, ginger!" Dan mocked. Gemin laughed. "I still have one pokemon. Go, Bonsly!" When Bonsly appeared, Gemin and Dan laughed hard enough to pee themselves. Seth picked up Bonsly and threw him with the force of a hamster falling from space.

(I always wanted to use that metaphor.)

Bonsly struck Gemin square between the eyes, bounced off, ricocheted off dozens of trees like a pinball on drugs, hit Chase's trampoline, flew over Jim's head and smacked Dan in the face. Hard.

"Ow, my face!" sobbed Dan. Gemin swayed on the spot for a moment, then collapsed. Bonsly bounced off a few more trees, then came to rest at Seth's feet, utterly unharmed.

"WHAT THE FUCK? HOW THE FUCKING FUcK DID BONSLY FUCKING WIN? BONSLYS NEVER WIN!" Paddy yelled. "Actually, they do." muttered Damien. "Apparently." agreed Jim. "Maybe you should evolve it into a Sudowoodo." recommended Chase.

"No fucking way! Sudowoodo's gay!" argued Seth. "If there was a non-gay evolution of Bonsly, it would be awesome, but there isn't, so it's the most useless pokemon ever. It's worse than Magikarp, for God's sake!" At every word, Bonsly grew more and more depressed. "It smells weird, too." At this last insult, it took a knife and stabbed itself in the brain. "Oh my God, Bonsly killed Bonsly!" Damien roared. "You bastards!" chimed in Jim.

"Oh, it doesn't matter, I've got tons more in my bag." "Hey, dumbasses!" Nobody looked. "You can't beat me, because I'm an American!" "Oh, great, here we go…" "I have the one thing that makes America distinctive among all nations."

"Obesity?" "Racism?" "Those tiny little flags they give out at elections?" "No, I'm talking about-" "Mormons?" "A-bombs?" "The Statue of Liberty?" "No, back up. You said it already."

"The Statue of Liberty?" "No, before that." "Mormons? You have Mormons?" "No, after that." "The Statue of Liberty?" "The A-bomb, you freaking morons!"

Dan whipped the cover off of -

a sign that said "A-bomb- coming Spring 201111111." (one is a typo. Try to guess which one!) "Dammit! Never use I-talian labour." "TASER!" Chase roared. Dan fell to the ground, twitching.

The other four gaped in horror. "Well, that wasn't expected until chapter 23. The continuity sucks." whispered Damien. Jim nodded sternly. "Remember, with great power, comes a hell of a lot of pie." The man with the pipe nodded his agreement.

Woodbone: [grass]: forest troll pokemon: regardless of what I may have written, its bones are not made of wood. They're made of a composition of vine and bone which has a similar consistency to wood.

Gemin: [rock]: crystal pokemon: Now available in a wide variety of colours! Warning. Do Not Eat. It makes them irritable.


End file.
